James Crowden's Cider Apple Poem

James Crowden reads me a poem on Lewesdon Hill

Next week my good friend James Crowden will be appearing at the amazing Shute Festival talking about his book The Frozen River, with Bijan Omrani.

The festival has been re-tuned, so to speak, to be a digital offering - which I think is a wonderful bit of inventiveness on the part of the organisers. You can book to become a member of the audience at

http://www.shutefest.org.uk/tickets--contact.html

James is also now writing a book called Cider Philosophy which should come out in June 2021 Harper Collins.

Indeed, he is something of a master cider-writer - his past books include “Cider forgotten Miracle” and “Ciderland” — he was also Common Ground’s apple day poet laureate back in 1999. “A very enjoyable job it was too,” says James.

Have a look at his own website to find out more…. http://james-crowden.co.uk

Clever bloke, my old pal James - and to prove it here is his poem containing a great many cider apples. Or as he puts it…

A SAUCEY Apple TALE FOR Mid Summer 

When days were long and nights wore shorts

May Queen just been seen. June can't be shy

A voyage of Discovery that has a Racy end…                                                             

Where Beauty of Bath and Reverend Wilks,

Are caught arm in arm by Grenadier. 

Ménage à trois in Stirling Castle 

Wealthy Rival, Gascoyne's Scarlet,

Lord Grosvenor stepping out 

With Lady Lambourne, on the stage

Plays Greensleeves to her Katy 

As Lord Burghley and Cornish Gilliflower

Both dance the gig on Jupiter, 

With Irish Peach and Clarinette

Much beloved by Colonel Vaughan 

Who sinks his teeth into Gipsy King

As the  Duchess's Favourite,  Eros

Exquisite and Delectable with Golden Knob  

Sets sail in the good ship Scilly Pearl 

Bridgwater Pippin  at the helm

James Grieve aloft, and in the galley

Peasgood's Nonsuch …    

A voyage of Discovery for Acme the cabin boy…

Northern Spy the navigator 

Three days out and bound for the Orient 

They spot a ketch, Fair Maid of Taunton 

With Captain Kidd the Pirate 

and Mrs Barron, clamped in stays 

Safe passage granted  to Lavinia,

The Faerie Queen paid in Redgold 

A close shave for Tinsley Quince  

Maiden's Blush and Maggie Sinclair

Coquettes of September Beauty

Waited on hand and foot 

Captures the pirate brig Camelot

Successfully rammed by her lover - Captain Broad 

Raised on Breadfruit and Puffin

Then hails  Saint Cecilia another Schooner

With Ruby the Pioneer aboard

Fresh from the Golden Nugget  Dance hall.

It is she who has the Paradise Apple

Hidden under her skirts with Venus Pippin

Eager for a commentating slot at Ascot

"With Lady's Delight on Lord Derby

Wealthy Undine, on Merton Knave, 

Romping home in the Quarrendon stakes

Pipped to the post, 

Howgate Wonder and Lord Lambourne

A Fortune Lost for Forty Shilling

As Barnack Beauty falls at the Last Post

Bred by Lady Henniker sister to Lady Sudeley

Ridden by Lancashire Scotch Bridget

Trained by Old Fred Norris at their stables 

Norfolk Summer Broadend

In memory of Nelson's Favourite racehorse

Nutmeg Pippin son of Blenheim Orange.. 

Yes it is Merton Knave

From  Lady Henneker neck and neck

Which leaves Bess Pool and Bountiful Alice

Safe at home to Surprise  the Schoolmaster

Hector Macdonald who every year 

Re-tells the story of the Bloody Ploughman

And the Lass of Gowrie left Codlin her husband

Red Robin, shot dead by the keeper, Pig's  Snout

For scrumping a few apples that Hoary Morning.

Called Dr Harvey and Sergeant Peggy to no avail 

Tom Putt, the Parson and Laxton, the Sexton,

Said prayers, crossed themselves, Encore

And saw off  Old Foxwhelp behind Luccombe Pine

While Ladies Finger points at Lemon Square

Still a fashionable address in Wickham Green

Very desirable the Hunt House at Worcester Pearmain, 

Home to Sussex Mother and daughter Reinette D'Amorique 

Both besotted with little Chorister Boy 

Who, by mistake, had got a touch of the French Crab

Eloped with child to Flowery Town, 

Befriended and then cured by Farmer's Glory 

And Eynsham Dumpling  a local couple 

Who knew the secret of Bascombe's Mystery, 

Which is why every Sunday  Norman Tyler's Kernel, 

Watches  Small's Admirable Forester, Golden Harvey 

Salute Norfolk Royal  and  May Queen

Coming up the drive smelling of Red Musk at cracking pace, 

Closely followed by Lane's Prince Albert, 

Late for the Diamond Jubilee that year at Sandringham 

They invited Queen Caroline, Marriage Maker

To William Crump  and  Betty Geeson, 

Dick's favourite, Edward VII's cigar   

Much coveted by Egremont Russet himself

Duck's Bill who also invited Manaccan Primrose 

D'Arcy Spice,  Red Rollo and Tommy Knight,  

Neild's Drooper and Annie Elisabeth, 

Who between Sunrise and Sunset, 

Played Sops in Wine and Sleeping Beauty

On the Coronation clavichord, to the Maid of Kent

Who out of bravado plucks the Pitmaston Pine Apple 

Cox's a snoop at the Monarch  Warner's King

Sings Sam Young of Kilkenny and the Star of Devon

On the big screen Stembridge Cluster's Last Stand

And other classics: The Red Army and Yellow Pitcher

Brown Snout  and the Ballerina

While her little sister Annie Elizabeth of Alfriston 

Romps home secretly behind their backs 

To seize the orchard's prize. The Apple God in rich disguise.

James Crowden   ©   1999