The First Finn File - as written by Finn the lurcher

Here by popular demand… That is my excuse.

As a newspaper columnist, the bloke who runs this website has been inundated with requests from readers over the past year that I should take over writing a weekly blog. Well, here it is, in digital form rather than on the printed page.

But so what? More and more people are taking to their phones or tablets or whatever for their media needs - so why shouldn’t a humble hound join the trend? 

Years ago my old mentor, Monty (seen running along in the snow with me above - in a photo taken by Nancy Hesp) began writing a newspaper column. It was an instant hit with the readers of several large daily papers in the UK, which is why he continued to pen the occasional column for the next 14 years.

I have all the files he used here on the computer. And yes, he did use a large powerful iMac to compose and deliver his canine thoughts.

Readers kept asking how a dog could write in English and eventually the lord and master who owns this website gave the game away - which was a stupid thing to do because the newspapers were inundated with people wanting to buy the system for their pets. 

The story is that on one of his many travels, old Hesp went to California - and while visiting friends near Silicon Valley he came across some clever guys who’d invented this sort of helmet thing that fits over a dog’s head. All you do is put on this brain-reading translation device and plug it into a powerful computer.

Anyway, old Hespie waxed so lyrically (that is his way) about how clever his lurcher Monty was, these guys gave him one of the few experimental models to bring home to the UK and try. They said they wanted to see how it would react to English Canine English compared to the American version, as they were having troubles getting their model to work. 

And guess what? Monty’s clear, precise, canine thoughts were an ideal platform upon which the algorithms in the app could operate. 

Mysteriously, when our travelling journalist tried to contact his Silicon Valley mates with the good news, he drew a blank. They were nowhere to be found. As far as we know, they have never been heard of again. So we’ve got the only model in the world and we are not parting with it for all the tea in China, as you humans used to say long ago.

Don’t bother offering us loads of dosh - and don’t bother coming around here to try nicking the device. We won’t sell it and we hide it very, very, well indeed. 

If you are wondering why the old Hesp (who is completely broke) will not sell (and, believe me, he has been offered a small fortune) it is because he feels guilty. Yes, I know, that is hard to believe of such a hard-hearted and self-obsessed person - but he got the guilts years ago when he somehow messed up Monty’s love life. 

My dear old mentor had met some fabulously beautiful lurcher female up on Exmoor - on the farm belonging to the present British Prime Minister’s father, no less - and there was an agreement that Monty and the gorgeous one would meet when the time was right, so to speak. But Hespie lost the owner’s contact details, so Monty never did see the love of his life again. 

Added to that, the travelling journalist continues to feel guilty because he is forever popping off to exotic places in order to write all the blogs you see on this website. Which means that me and Mrs Hesp are left home alone while he is gadding about enjoying himself. 

A dog’s role, as you will know, is to quietly oversee that the welfare of a family don’t go off the rails. We govern with stealth and silence - but we govern nevertheless.  A handful of humans realise that, most don’t…

But when old Hesp goes off on his travels, I really do take upon the reigns - keeping Mrs H company and generally taking on the management of both the household and of the all-important rabbit and squirrel patrols in the valley where we live. 

The Old Heap (that is my nickname for him) understands this full well, which is why there is an agreement between us that he shall never, ever, sell that canine translation device. 

So there we have it… I shall be donning the little helmet - placing it over my wonderful flowing locks - to bring you another Finn File soon. 

As I said at the beginning - since dear old Monty passed away, newspaper readers have been barking for a Finn column. Well, now they can get it here. Exclusively - and for free.